Thursday, July 20, 2006

Drash Matot Masei 5766 - Pick Up Artists and Seductresses

Numbers 30:2- 36:13

This week we have the end of the book of Numbers in a double portion, however I’m going to concentrate on the first portion this week, which starts with the aftermath of the Baal-Peor idolatry mess with the Midianite women, God mentions some rules for making vows, and how women might have their vows invalidated. The discussion of land apportionment begins, ending the book of Numbers with the objections of the elders of Manasseh concerning the inheritance of daughters who have no brothers.

In case you didn’t notice last week, I am overwhelmed and wiped out. If I were to blame anything it would be something I thought would be an important self improvement exercise ended up much harder than I thought. Add to it a rather intense sixty hour work week spread over two states and I was out of it. By Friday, not only was Shlomo’s Drash not done, but I was so out of it everything I did went wrong, probably because I did not have the energy to pay attention to anything. My exhaustion and subsequent carelessness got so bad, I even got yelled at publicly by the Gabbai for tying the Torah bindings backwards after rolling the Torah for the Gabbai.

And so I get to this week’s portion and the story of the attack on Midian. Moses assembles 12,000 troops to attack and sack Midian. But things go well but not as Moses planned:

7. And they warred against the Midianites, as the Lord commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. 8. And they slew the kings of Midian, beside the rest of them who were slain; that is, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian; Balaam, the son of Beor, they also slew with the sword. 9. And the people of Israel took captive all the women of Midian, and their little ones, and took the booty of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. (Numbers 31:7-8)

Moses then scolds the officers

15. And Moses said to them, have you kept all the women alive? 16. Behold, these caused the people of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord. 17. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that has known man by lying with him. 18. But all the young women, who have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. (Numbers 31:15-18)

At the heart of this matter is the sparing of the women, who as Moses did note were the ones who actually did the thing that affronted God, not the men. Thinking about this brings me back to my own dilemma of the last two weeks. We read in the beginning of the portion

If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. (Numbers 30:3)

Back On July first I took an oath, though not to Hashem. It was a challenge to get and go on a date within one month, if the person running this challenge would teach the skills necessary to do so for free through an on-line course. This person, known by the nickname Style, has been described as one of the greatest pickup artists in the world. By July 1, there were about 2500 people, almost exclusively men, who signed to learn from such a master. For someone like me, this was too good an opportunity to pass up, to finally defeat one of my biggest problems, an acute shyness around attractive women. When many get to see the public speaker who is Shlomo, most don’t get to see the wallflower -- he’s hiding in the wall too much, and he’s keeping me very lonely.

The first week went well, and I did make many improvements which I am proud of. There were some changes in appearance which I think were good and necessary. Although there were some bumpy spots, I did go up to a few women cold and talk to them, something I never was able to do before. The second week, things did not go as well. The reading assignments were longer, the amount of time need to spend in the field to do these things was greater. And my schedule did not allow for such time. I worked very long hours, and then there was an urgent and immediate call from a client who needed me to go out of state. So I went. Between travel and work, I was busy about 65 hours last week. And there was the building pressure of the challenge.

And it wasn’t just me. There were several things that people were having problems with in the challenge. Much was the same thing I was having problem with, the thing I wanted to get rid of in this mess-- approach anxiety. For much of childhood, to protect their children, parents tell them not to talk to strangers. We tell children, in many different ways, women are the fairer and weaker sex, even in these times of sexual equality. We see this was true in biblical times, with the sparing of the Midianite women and children. Yet we also tell our young girls to protect themselves from young boys, not physically but emotionally and verbally. By playing on the emotions of young men, young women have built a set of defenses that are essentially ways of insulting and hurting young men with Lashon Hara, to get men they don’t want to leave them alone. Yet such systems also keep those who are worthy away too, and girls are lonely. For many sensitive caring men, the one best for relationships with these same lonely women, they are incredibly vulnerable to such Lashon Hara, and it hurts. For some, like me, it triggers bad memories of times when a lot worse happened to them. For most in the challenge, they had twenty years of this belief that they will be hurt if they approach a woman, and for some it becomes a crippling fear. I of course have had double that amount. The only answer is to get tough to it -- to approach, get rejected and move on. If the Lashon Hara is meaningless, the fear disappears, at least according to theory.

But getting to the point where you get yourself exposed that much is difficult, and requires a lot of practice, which the fear inhibits. The challenge due to its 31 day timetable pushed too much too fast and kept building on itself every day. Today on day 20, between my schedule and the number of field exercises, I’m way behind, and my anxiety is worse. But fueling the anxiety is something I found out that first week that really bothers me. For the pickup artist, the way to deal with the Lashon Hara is to dish out more Lashon Hara, to lie. It’s called an opener. In reality it’s a way of asking an open ended relationship question, and thus begins a conversation, which is harmless enough. But such openers all too often are memorized lines about jealous girlfriends you don’t actually have and other such little lies.

But I have a real problem with those lies. I have a problem with the seemingly intrusive way I’m to jump into a group of women and start asking them about my jealous girlfriend , even when I don’t have one. I have a problem using little magic trick and mind reading routines to generate interest in me. It all seems so false, like the ultimate Lashon Hara, presenting a Shlomo who isn’t Shlomo. I think of Reb Zuzya, whose concern on his death is not whether he will be asked why he was not like Moses or Abraham, but why he was not like Zuzya. The way I thought this about a day or so ago was I was not sure anyone who would fall for all this would actually be someone I would want to date. What I am doing seems morally wrong, to myself and to others.

And this is the situation in Midian. The officers apparently order that the women and children are to be taken captive, not killed like Balaam or Zur, Cozbi’s dad. If it had been only the women that the Israelites had been seduced by, then we could conclude this was done purely out of lust. But it isn’t. Both male and female children and virgins are spared, along with the seductresses. At least from our modern viewpoint, this was an act of morality and mercy -- of sparing those who could not defend themselves, much in accordance with Exodus 22:21 to not afflict widows and orphans.

Moses on the other hand seems bloodthirsty, and orders all captives except virginal females executed. Yet Moses also points out something: it was these same people who were spared who caused all the trouble. They are most guilty of all. He orders both the males, who might avenge the deaths of their parents and the seductresses killed.

Our portions are the last of the book of Numbers, and indeed the journey. Deuteronomy, for all intents and purposes adds only one story: the death of Moses. The Midianites are the last hazard to getting to the land, the last ones stopping the Israelites from the east bank of the Jordan, ready to cross into the Promised Land. Their defeat is the last thing that must be done before the people are allowed to cross. God implies this when he says to Moses in Numbers 31:2 “afterwards shall you be gathered to your people,” Moses will be the last to die of the old generation before the crossing. With Moses’ death they will cross.

The Midianite women represent the last thing we need to cast off before we are allowed to enter our own promised lands, something that is hard to get rid of because it is a moral thing to keep it, even when it is really a detriment. The Midianite seductresses dragged into idolatry the men of Israel, and most likely they would again. Their elimination was vital, yet there is something good in being good to orphans, especially when you’re the reason they have that status, and the virgins are spared. So too is our own stuff that needs to be removed from our own psyche. In my challenge, there is much which I find immoral abut the world of the seducer, the pickup artist. Yet in there is a kernel of truth which can be changed and adopted. We will read in Deuteronomy 21 the procedure for making those virgin captives into brides, and part of that is to wait a month, and to shave their heads. In our section, the soldiers are to take seven days after the war to purify themselves. We take time to pause, and remove much of the outside to see the inside. So too we remove from these last sticking points to reach our personal goals or promised lands and transform ourselves. We use the pure parts of these things, yet over a time period where we can reflect what we are doing, not in the passion of the moment.

I believe there is a kernel of truth in the world of the pickup artist. I do believe a series of linguistic and social patterns have trapped both men and women to loneliness and to some rather bad behaviors by implication. I am afraid of approaching women who are attractive, whether I really want to date them or not, because I am afraid of the verbal abuse I might get if I talk to them. Style’s idea is to not bring up that defense mechanism through talking girl talk, and to show a man to be a good social catch to a woman. Confidence, charm and thinking about others first are all admirable ideas in this challenge. Some of techniques used to demonstrate higher social value, like magic tricks and mind reading tricks, may need to be modified or substituted before an authentic social value can be demonstrated.

All of this will require time, and as such I come back to that oath. If the challenge was the oath I’m going to have to break it, I will not finish the challenge in the allotted time, though I will try to do the theoretical work as we get it. I don’t have the time or energy to get this done; it saps my energy away as did the plague of Peor sucks the vitality of the people. I will back off, learn and adapt over the next few months and come up with something that is very much Shlomo and not as much Style, that is energizing and autherntic. But really my promised land, and the oath I wrote down was that I could approach and gain rapport with people by the end of this and that I will continue to strive for as I get rid of my own internal Midianites.

Then, I too will cross into the Promised Land.

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