Yom Kippur 5771: The First Step, The First Sail

I have not been feeling very spiritual for a few weeks now. I felt rather disconnected in a sense, and the light of God in me seems to have gone out. I have found just when things are so dark, a light is found. Such lights for me are always a book from an unexpected quarter. This time it'a a book by Rabbi Rami Shapiro, Recovery -- The Sacred Art, his spiritual take on the 12 steps used in addiction recovery. It is Shapiro's view of the first step that has me thinking a lot:

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our lives - that our lives had become unmanageable

Instead of our addicition as in most twelve step programs, we are to look at our lives as completely unmanageable, and we have no control over them. It is God, or the Higher Power in 12-step terminology, that does.

This seems to be contradictory to the idea of free will. Free will does not mean we are free to do anything and control everything. I would love to be home in twenty minutes from work, but I cannot control the speed of traffic on my way home from work, so it usually takes an hour or two. If I do not understand that I will become frustrated, I might even become stressed out, angry or sick. I felt that frustration this week trying to configure a set of computers and a network. I don't control enough that it works perfectly all the time, nor do I control the demands of others on my time. That is frustrating and anger inducing.

Paging through my Reconstructionst Mahzor I found something I had read many times before but I saw differently:

We have acted wrongly, we have been untrue, and we have gained unlawfully and we have defamed. We have harmed others, we have wrought injustice, we have zealously transgressed, and we have hurt and have told lies. We have improperly advised, and we have covered up the truth, and we have laughed in scorn. We have misused responsibility and have neglected others and have stubbornly rebelled. We have offended, we have perverted justice, and have stirred up enmity, and we have kept ourselves from change. We have reached out to evil, we have treated shamelessly, we have corrupted and have treated others with disdain. Yes, we have thrown ourselves off course, and we have tempted and misled. [Kol haneshama 819]

This was a translation of the Ashamnu, the shorter, alphabetic acrostic one of the two confessional prayers. The Al Heiyt, the longer of the two continues in the same mindset with even greater specificity. Reading both I realized we are really only confessing manifestations of one set of sins:

For the sin before You for believing ourselves to be You
For the sin before You of expecting to be your power
And for the sin before You to judge what you alone judge.

The true sin is believing we are God. When we believe we actually have control of the universe, we not only delude ourselves with this illusion, we sin. We end up doing something harmful to ourselves, to others, or very often both. I think that is what Rami Shapiro was getting at in his book. We do not control the universe -- God does.

Yet, paradoxically we do have free will. We choose what we want to do -- we choose our course. there are times we will choose badly and times we do a good job. We can choose to understand the nature of divine will or not. We can try to counter divine will if we want, but with consequences, very often negative ones to ourselves, our relationships and to our environment. It is at this time of year we try to repair some of those consequences and prepare to not make those mistakes in the coming year.

Many have problems with the term divine will, it is often sounding dictatorial compared to many of our notions of freedom. As a beginning sailor, one who does so many things still completely wrong, I've been thinking differently about this term. I've been using a Hebrew word that many know in the English: ruach ( רוח ). Ruach can be translated many ways, based on a verbal root to breathe. It can mean breath, spirit, soul, and wind. Ruach Hakodesh, might be translated holy wind, holy breath, or holy spirit. I keep thinking as a beginning sailor of Ruach Hakodesh.

We do have choice. We have the choice to how we act in the Ruach Hakodesh. I thought of a parable about boats again to explain what Rabbi Rami was trying to say. This can be compared to a sail boat. I have no control over wind, or water or weather. I may be rained on, or the wind may be strong or weak, or heading in the direction I am not going. I cannot tell the wind to blow at ten knots to the south east. I have no control over it. But I can trim my sails and steer in ways that will let me move. I cannot control anything but I can react accordingly to what is there. Of course to know what is there, I must be aware. I can see the wind on the water, and often can feel it on my face. Knowing that I am not controlling the world around me, I am free to perceive and react accordingly, and free to sail where ever I want, with little effort. So too with the Ruach Hakodesh. I cannot control it or presume to control it, but react in a holy and righteous way to what happens in my life.

Even in a sail boat, steering is a art of subtlety and awareness. Without it, one might capsize or be be thrown overboard. Tacks and jibes move the boom rather quickly from one side of the boat to the other, and one must watch one's head continually. A rudder or sail in the wrong place may tilt the boat precariously, as I v'e learned the hard way once too often. While the movements must be quick, they must also be subtle. I am not out to single handedly save the world, but live a good, just life, and do things that let others do so too. I am not God or a god, nor do I have the power knowledge or wisdom of God, I can only do little things without capsizing my boat.

This is what Yom Kippur is to remind us of. Besides the confessionals, and a few prayers for the high holidays like Netana Tokef, it is just a regular service. It is a service where we try to recognize something about ourselves -- that we cannot control the universe, not even ourselves. One day of hunger and intense, almost non-stop prayer reminds us of how little we control our own bodies. Most have problems with a one-day fast. We are reminded that we cannot even control our hunger for even a few hours. We are also reminded of those who have no food and still have no control of their hunger. Humbling ourselves with how little power we have, and recognizing who really has it.

May you have a good fast and be sealed in the book of fully living.