Vayigash 5769: Forgiveness

In one of the great dramatic moments of the biblical text, Judah who has buried two of his sons by this point gives a heart wrenching plea to the Viceroy of Egypt, unaware of his real identity as his missing brother Joseph. After that plea, we read:

1. Then Joseph could not refrain himself before all those who stood by him; and he cried, Cause every man to go out from me. And there stood no man with him, while Joseph made himself known to his brothers.2. And he wept aloud; and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard. 3. And Joseph said to his brothers, I am Joseph; does my father still live? And his brothers could not answer him; for they were troubled by his presence. [Genesis 45]

Some might take this a great family reunion, or one filled with tension. Joseph in his cry completely forgives his brothers. But do the brothers believe that Joseph really forgave them? We will read in Genesis 50:15, seventeen years after this reunion.

And when Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will perhaps hate us, and will certainly pay us back for all the evil which we did to him.

The brothers still did not trust that Joseph forgave them. Indeed reading this passage we see there is another tension which comes up from the phrase “does my father still live?” The brother’s apparently thought Joseph’s good behavior towards them was all for the eye of Jacob, it was a subterfuge until Jacob had died and then Joseph would exact his revenge. To ask if their father was still alive was not just the shock that Joseph was still alive, but that Joseph might kill, imprison or enslave them if Jacob wasn’t.
Joseph of course takes much of this portion to set up the brothers with the best of everything in Egypt, using material means to prove he had forgiven them. Yet the evidence was there that this did little to completely remove the fear of Joseph taking revenge over their treatment of him in Joseph’s youth.
This has me wondering something about the nature of apology and forgiveness. Forgiveness is only as good as the one who believes they are forgiven. If Joseph forgave and the brothers did not believe he forgave them, did he really forgive them? If I Say to someone “I forgive you” do I really forgive them?
There is a whole cycle of course. Mr. Smith for example insults Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones now has the possibility of retaliation or forgiveness. Mr. Smith asks for forgiveness, he repents of his insult. Mr. Jones then had to decide if he is willing to forgive, or retaliate against Mr. Smith. Finally, Mr. Smith has to believe that Mr. Jones meant what he said if he forgives, or prepare for a retaliation.
The problem is if there is any mistrust of either the repenter or the forgiver, the result is mistrust and less openness between Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith. The relationship changes dramatically, and often in a downward spiral. Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith trust each other less and are on guard for the slightest thing that might be hurtful. Even the unintentional become hurtful.
There is one poison which seems to cause this downwards spiral more than most. Some might call it righteousness, but I prefer to think of it as right-ness. Right-ness is the belief that one person’s position is the only right one. It gives a person a perception that their position is a superior one, and thus their in power of the situation. Often however there are many parts to a story or situation and combinations of each provide vastly different perceptions of the situation. A person could be merely clueless but perceived as vindictive for example. Two Right-nesses often make a wrong as people dig into positions. I’ve been guilty of it in the past, as I’m sure many have.
Indeed even the best and brightest have done so. The most tragic story, almost operatic in its sadness concerns the great Talmudic masters R. Johanan and Resh Lakish. R. Yohanan got into an argument with his best friend and brother-in-law Resh Lakish by mentioning his sordid past. Anger, hurt and grief is exchanged, and neither refuses to forgive the other. This all ends up killing Resh Lakish, the guilt and loneliness from the loss of his friend kills R. Yohanan [B.M. 84a]
It is often from the point of rightness that we retaliate. “Someone hurt me and that was wrong – I am right to hurt him back” But often the hurting back affects not only our selves but others as well. Being family, both of their deaths caused grief on R. Yohanan’s sister. She was so upset with her brother over the death of her husband she even verbally attack him too. It becomes sad how quickly these things can get out of hand as the hurt and pain spread else where.
While Midrash has stories about the potential to fall into this trap, Joseph did not. He forgave his brothers and it is important to see how he did.

5. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that you sold me here; for God did send me before you to preserve life. 6. For these two years has the famine been in the land; and yet there are five years, when there shall neither be plowing nor harvest. 7. And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. 8. So now it was not you who sent me here, but God; and he has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt. [Genesis 45]

And Later, after the death of Jacob,

19. And Joseph said to them, Fear not; for am I in the place of God? 20. But as for you, you thought evil against me; but God meant it to good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. 21. Now therefore do not fear; I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spoke kindly to them. [Genesis 50]

Joseph no longer blamed his brothers. In both instances he insisted that it was God’s doing. He acknowledges both times what they did, and what they thought. He sees the good in the situation and not the bad. Everyone was saved from the famine because they threw him in a pit one day many years. Joseph understood he was in God’s hands, and let the dark emotions go. Anger has no place here. For the brothers it took seventeen years to get that lesson, yet eventually they did too.
I’m sitting here on the first day of 2009 thinking about a lot of thing happening in my life and the world around us that all of that applies. The secular year for me feels a lot like what I might feel at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. In discussing this topic a few days ago on-line I thought of Yom Kippur. If on Yom Kippur atones for our sins, but we do not know if we are forgiven or not, was Yom Kippur worth anything? In ancient days they had that question too. There was a sign from God that the scarlet cord would turn to white to indicate that the people’s sins were forgiven. But today, there seems to be no sign.
For me there is a sign, one I try to use, and one I believe Joseph used. Genesis 20:51 translates more literally as he spoke to their hearts, though we read it as He spoke kindly to them. My personal slogan and way of life is a loose translation of Perkei Avot 1:15 “Learn every day, do more than you say, and greet everyone with a smile” That last is not a false smile of course, it’s a genuine one, and that is the key to Joseph’s words. Showing how genuinely he feels in his warm words to the heart opens up the belief in forgiveness and friendship with his brothers. We can rebuild relationships and maintains the friends we have and create new ones by a simple thing – greet everyone with a warm smile. This is the sign of forgiveness; this is the sign of openness.
In 2009, may you greet everyone with a warm smile, may you move from right-ness, hurt and anger to forgiveness and may your forgiveness lead to strength. May this be true for not just us but the whole planet. Amen.